THE LIGHTER SIDE- (Sent in by John "Fat Rat" Russell)
How To Simulate Shipboard Life
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the
outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then
pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go
the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can,
pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water
temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down
to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family
that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is
7. Raise your bed to within 16 inches of the ceiling. Cut your
sheets in half, use only two of these modified sheets, and a dusty,
thread bare gray wool blanket. Wash them only once a month.
Every two months, lose one sheet in the laundry.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5 am, and
blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout
"Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to
do the following day, then stand in the back yard (rain or shine) at 6
am while she reads it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang
a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at
11. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law, asking if it's
ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the
6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and
family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the
next day - you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in
your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.). Make
them requalify on each appliance every six months.
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure
every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going
anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your
driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, man
your brooms, clean sweepdown fore and aft, empty all trash over the
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and
allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking. Use the same filter until
it is in shreds. Add two drops of motor oil per pot to achieve authentic
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read
your magazines, and randomly lose about every 5th item. Once a month,
hold up one bag of mail until after the next three bags are delivered.
All newspapers must be at least five weeks old.
22. Spend over $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but
only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are
played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie
to watch from the selection of the same 24 titles, all over three
years old, and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a weekly haircut, using
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants. Get a stencil
and mark your last name over the hip pocket of every pair of trousers
that you own.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call
it "world travel".
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on
the dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Have your neighbor use a power hammer to nail aluminum siding
on your house after your have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under
attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters,
general quarters, all hands man your battle stations") Turn off all
electricity and plumbing, close all windows and doors, and leave them at
their GQ stations for over four hours.
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without
checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family
that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at
least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you
are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until
they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot
33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is
in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then
tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to
Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week
rolls around, drive around the outside of the park for two hours before
you inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact
that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it
will be another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your
not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door
with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after
you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and
mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of
your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly
rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in
your living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you every seventh haircut. (refer to
43. Once a week, use the air compressor that is bolted to your
dining room floor to blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure
the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it
in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your
neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the
garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night,
jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the
top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them
back together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then
get under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front
and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through one of them. Move the doorknob to the center of every
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man
overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the
pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids and friends for
not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in
front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and
ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in
particular "stove secured" Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place
them in a box.
54. Every morning, mop your bathroom floor with a filthy mop.
Rinse the mop in your bathtub.
55. At least once a day, re-wax your hallway. Allow no one to
pass through while sweeping, mopping, waiting for the floor to dry,
applying wax, waiting for the wax to dry, or buffing with a floor
polisher. Do this chore during peak hours of the day.
56. Once a week, repaint your entire hallway. Allow no one to
pass while painting, or waiting for the paint to dry.
57. The only milk you should allow in your house should have
expiration dates from six months ago. And only one cup is allowed per
meal, served in a plastic coffee cup.
58. At least once per day, eat a meal without using forks. Once a
month, withhold the spoons or knives also.
59. Reduce your closet to one metal locker measuring 18 by 18